What It Is

It’s kind of an odd thing, but I love Valentine’s Day. I did not always love it, and even now, I don’t love everything about it. I don’t love greeting cards, baby’s breath or teddy bears. I’m rather indifferent to roses, especially when the price is jacked up. There have been times when I’ve barely noticed it or cared, and times when I’ve dropped a wad of cash or a torrent of tears.

In elementary school, the best notes I got were from my mom. She put them in my lunch, and I loved and saved them. In class, we were not permitted to make or give valentines or celebrate in any way, because Valentine’s Day had Christian overtones and these were not kosher. We kids found this profoundly disappointing, mostly because we knew enough about the world to understand that candy was involved and we were missing out.

By the time I got out of there and into the wonderland of public high school, I was too bohemian and cynical to be interested in cliches like Valentine’s Day. Nonetheless, in 10th or 11th grade, a girl who was part of a group in my Social Studies class who would always look at me and snicker and so forth left a small white teddy bear, holding a heart, on my desk. How embarrassing at only 16 to explain to some girl in your class who you thought hated and despised you that you didn’t really swing that way.

In my early 20s, my feelings toward the holiday barely softened. I played in an all-girl punk band that put on a V-Day show at Giorgio Gomelsky’s loft in Chelsea where we destroyed a giant pink pinata shaped like a penis. The crowd scrambled for their little packets of pink candy, and after the show Giorgio himself told me, “I think you girls are really on to something” which made my heart sing, and then I found out that someone had brought Joe Strummer that night and even though I didn’t get to meet him, it was still the best valentine ever.

By my late 20s, I was in a serious long-distance relationship with a drama king who once had v-day roses delivered to me on stage on Ave B. Eventually he moved back to NYC and we tortured each other for a few more years before breaking up forever. He left me with a dog, who turned out to be in many ways a better companion than the man, until I realized she’d have a better life in suburban Georgia than in Brooklyn with me.

The Loved One and I are quite serious about V-day after a number of years of celebrating, which is cool because he used to hate and dread it, which seems to be a common reaction. I understand, I used to feel just like you!

In order to help stanch the v-day wound, I think first of all that it’s a good opportunity to consider and be grateful for all the things and relationships we cherish in life- not just romantic ones. That said, I’m going to share my tips on having a stress-free, mutually satisfying and hot Valentine’s Day:

1. Keep the consumerism to a dull roar. Let’s face it, everyone’s under financial stress these days, and men typically spend twice as much on V-day. In my world, we dispense with gifts and indulge in stuff we can share: delicious food, French champagne and hand-made chocolate; a bit of dress-up; a lot of seduction.
2. Forget surprises. Surprises are better suited to birthdays when the pressure can be diffused through a large group of friends; Valentine’s Day is about intimacy, and if the surprise bombs, you’re on your own (and probably not getting any action, loser). Plan together which experiences you’d like to include- rose petal bubble bath, anyone?- and which you’d rather not bother with- maybe lingerie and heels isn’t your thing.
3. Do it together- alone. Absolutely no double dating or groups unless everyone’s single. And by all means, skip overpriced prix fixe dinners at snooty restaurants stufffed with unimaginative couples in boring outfits. If you can swing extravagant settings and whatnot, I say go for it. If you want to watch the sunset and eat dinner while wearing a tutu in a hot air balloon …let me know if it turns out well. If not, staying home and picnicking on something divine in the comfort of your own home, in your best underwear and most uncomfortable shoes and with your own bed close at hand, can be the most perfect setting imaginable.
4. Stuff you make is cooler than stuff you buy. It’s not just moms who appreciate handmade cards. Starting a handmade card tradition in your relationship will leave you with a gallery of romantic art in your golden years. And why stop at cards? You could also make and exchange Tshirts, handmade journals, paintings, songs…
5. Vow to carry on being romantic and appreciative of each other every day. You don’t necessarily have to be all corny and literally speak your vows. But take a moment today and consider how you could rekindle the loving feelings of today tomorrow and forever. Having a great V-day is nice; having a great life is awesome.

I had recently read on the oh-so-reliable internets that St Valentine was known for ripping his still-beating heart out of his chest and offering it to his faithless mistress. This is a fantastic image, but an untrue story. For some interesting (and more likely true) lore on Valentine’s Day (did you know it became the holiday of romantic love because of Geoffrey Chaucer? Or that the first producer of valentines in the US was a woman from Massachusetts? I didn’t think so), check out the Wikipedia page by clicking on the valentine below, from the same page, which manages to be racist, sexist and classist all at once:

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